


Letters to my Daughter

by orphan_account



Category: Captain America (Movies), Hawkeye (Comics), Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: Avengers Family, Bucky Barnes's Notebooks, Rikki is Bucky's Daughter, Uncle Steve Rogers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-01
Updated: 2017-04-07
Packaged: 2018-09-21 06:57:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9536912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: A year after finding Rebecca "Rikki" Barnes, Bucky Barnes pens a series of letters for his daughter to read when she gets older. In the letters he tells her everything she might need to know from his side of the story in case his stupid ass dies or goes AWOL.





	1. Introduction

Dear Rebecca,

because I refuse to call you Rikki, 

Some people are extremely faithful when they come back from the dead. You always see books and 60 Minute interviews with extremely conservative white people looking the camera dead in the eye and telling you that they saw God when they died. I've died a few times. When I was in the war, as well all know, I fell off a train and died. A bunch of Nazis brought me back and slapped a metal arm on me. The second time I died was in Russia, a 16-year old girl named Natalia shot me dead in the stomach. That is aunt Natasha, Rebecca. Be careful around her. The third time I died was when I met Kate for the first time. If there's anything you should know, my child, it is that your father falls in love with the women that try to kill him. Kate didn't kill me, I just blocked the shot that was supposed to kill her. Ironically, she was also 16. 

Growing up, my mom raised me Catholic. This was weird because she was a Jew. Which by Hebrew Law (assuming there is one, like I say to most things, ask Kate or Billy for this one.) makes me Jewish. My dad was Catholic so we were all Catholic. This is because in my day, the old days everyone makes fun of me for, men were even bigger jackasses than they are today. You will be older by the time you read these so I will cuss however I damn well please. I was a good Catholic boy. A Good Catholic Boy is not good. Do not ever come up to me with a boy you call a Good Catholic Boy. Good Catholic Boys have sex in alleys, smoke like chimneys, and start boxing at 15. Did I do all of these, ~~yes~~. 

No I did not and even if I did I would not tell you because I am your father. 

But in the case that I did, in some alternate reality I was that kind of Good Catholic Boy... I don't know where I was going with this. Fuck. 

Anyway, in summary: 

No one's going to force religion on you. I think it's kinda stupid to at this point because if all goes as planned you'll read these at what... what like... 16? Your 16th birthday? If you couldn't tell, I didn't plan this. I plan on being alive when you're 16. Uncle Steve thought it would be a good idea and Kate agreed. They get sentimental about parental love because in one way or another, they both lacked that. That is not an asshole statement, that is the truth and even though they might hit me for writing that, it's the truth. God might be real, so you can believe in him. He never did us any favors, though so don't kiss his ass. Your God is Kate. This is all hoping that she is still around us when you read these and you're not confused or very upset when you read about Kate. She is very important in your story. She's important in mine too. 

You must be thinking, "Jesus Christ, dad. Why are you like this? Can't you be sentimental like Clint?"

I'm sorry I didn't build you a farm and teach you how to ride horses. I never imagined my child would come to me five years old knowing how to shoot a gun and kill a man. Was I disappointed? No. I was damn proud when I saw how good you were. The important thing is that we both put the guns down and became a family. 

God I really hope we're still a family when you read these. It would be awful if I went AWOL on you and when you turned 16, you found them and just hated me more. Maybe these would make you hate me less. 

We'll avoid me leaving. 

I was a mess before you came around. I was a bigger mess before you came around. I was bad and sad and mad. I use those words because you're reading right now as I right these and all I can hear in my head is your little voice saying those words and acting them out. 

I'm going to stop blaming myself for everything. I used to blame myself for the way you were raised up until Kate and Sam found you. I won't anymore and I won't wish that you had an actual mom because you have a mom. She's just 77 years younger than me, which is very complex and I hope you get it before you read these. 

I love you. I love you more than I'll ever and have ever loved anyone. I might not show it all the time and I'm sorry if I don't. I will never not love you. There's a Disney movie, Rapunzel or someshit, anyways in a scene (it's a dying scene and I know you know this but it's important to me because my first kiss out of HYDRA was as I watched this movie) Rapunzel's boyfriend says "you were my dream" and Rapunzel says "you were mine". I think I got that mixed up but in short; you were my dream. The reason for me to go on and be better. 

Love, 

Dad. 


	2. How I Met Your Kate

"Bucky, wake up." Kate shook me gently. 

This only ever results in me pulling her into bed with me. It's always the same. 

  1. She tries to get me out of bed
  2. I pull her in bed 
  3. She laughs and insists we get out of bed
  4. I start kissing her
  5. We stay in bed



It happened then and it still happens now. You laugh like crazy when it happens, too. Granted, it's much more PG now that you're around. Sometimes, we pull you into bed and tickle and kiss you. You laugh and laugh and tickle us back. You're good at tickling Kate, but she's better because you're so tiny. But this was before we had you. Before I had you. I have you. 

"You about done?" Kate sighed like she was annoyed but the smile on her face told me otherwise. 

I'd tell you what I was "about done" with but that is wildly inappropriate. 

"I'll come back to it. What's so important?" I ask, laying on top of her. 

I like to lay directly on top of Kate because she's small and cushy. I'm guessing it runs in the family because since you've been around, I have to wait in line to lay on her. 

"We found her." She wove her fingers in and out of my hair. 

You are the Her mentioned. 

I wish i could tell you I picked Kate up and spun her around, gave her a dramatic kiss, and went out to find you... but I didn't. Your dad is a pussy, Rebecca. I laid there on Kate, scared of what you might be like. I was also scared because I had a feeling they'd take you away from me. I wasn't ready to be a dad, sweetheart. I wasn't ready until I saw you. Kate made me shower and because your father is so Earth friendly, Kate showered with me too. You'll be 16 when you read this so I'm sure you'll understand what that means. Kate made sure I looked good and gave me a good lecture before we went to see you. 

"Don't fuck this up." She said before kissing me. 

I was madly in love with Kate. I wanted to have a baby with Kate, I really did. I don't know what things are going to be like 10 years from know, but I hope I do. I hope Kate and I get married and have a baby. You never stop begging, even when Kate and I aren't together. Which I'm sorry for, I know it confuses you. So, hearing that I had a baby and Kate wanted to help me... meant a lot. I should've married her then.

My heart stopped the moment I saw you. You were just sitting there, coloring violently as you waited and I was already a goner. 

"Rebecca." Kate called out to you. 

My heart started beating again when you ran towards her and jumped into her arms. You hid your face in her neck and whispered to her, peeking at me here and there. 

"That's your dad, sweetheart." She smiled down at you. 

You blinked, those huge blue eyes closed and opened and looked at me with understanding. "Dad."

"He's going to take care of you." Kate explained. "Like me."

"Mommy." You patted her face. "My mommy."

Bruce told us that children go to the first women they see and attach themselves to them, believing that they are their mother. There was never any real doubt that she was your mother, other than genetics- in which you are all mine and some science. 

Watching the woman you love hold your child and your child love that woman is like getting the biggest ice cream sundae and being able to eat all of it without feeling sick and still wanting more.

"Do you wanna see your dad?" Kate asked you softly.

You whispered something else in her ear, something that made her smile. She kissed your cheek and shook her head. That's when I realized the two of you had been spending some time together, which kinda pissed me off and lead to an argument a few days later but Kate won. You reached your hands out to me and smiled when I took you. You punched me right away.

Kate laughed and scolded you gently.

"I'm sorry. You have hair on your face." You giggled.

"So you punched me?" I asked, blinking.

"Yes." You grinned, showing two missing teeth.

I didn't think about it until later, I had missed my daughter losing her first tooth. I had missed potty training you, your first words, your first time walking, sleeping through the night...

I was in love with you immediately. You, Kate, and I spent the whole day together. You had a bit of a meltdown over some shoes but I talked you out of it and you punched me again. It took us three months for the violence to stop. You were very loving, which was a worry seeing as you had lived among Nazis for the first two years of your life and then an orphanage.  You never hit Kate, you were quite protective of her. One time, we were joking around and I pinned her to the couch, thinking you were sleeping and you popped out of nowhere and started pounding on me. I'd like to clarify that it never hurt me. It's just startling to have a child of your own beating your ass. 

You slept in the same bed as us for the first five months. You had a lot of nightmares and you were just very attached to us. I never complained, by the way. Neither did Kate. You slept in a ball or on top of Kate. Usually, I just got jealous of you but I liked to stay awake and watch you snuggle against her. Kate sleeps face down unless one of us is on top of her, meaning she loves us a whole lot. She sacrifices what's most comfy for her because we like her boobs. Well, yours is a more maternal-to-child comfort thing. Mine is because Kate has the best boobs and I plan on spending the rest of my life trying to stick with them. 

"I love you, daddy." You said it 4th of July, Uncle Steve's birthday. It was six months after we found you. I had you on my shoulders and pulled you down when the fireworks scared you. I pulled you close, zipping you up in my hoodie and kissed your nose. You touched my face and said it. I waited until you got bored with me and ran to find Clint's kids to terrorize them, and then I started crying. Kate and I weren't quite together at the time but she found me and held me. 

I have about 70 recordings of you telling me you love me. Your birthday in October, thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, my birthday in March, Kate's in August, random days here and there. I liked to show off just how much my daughter loves me. I hope I still do. 

If we're going to play technicalities, Tony Stark could be considered your grandpa. He's Kate's real dad which is confusing but you know now for sure. You called Kate mommy and I still hope you do. One time, you called Tony your grandpa. This could have been a disaster. You were sitting there, cute as can be with a teddy bear in your hand. He had a custom teddy bear designed for you, you sleep with it every night now that you've been in your own bed. 

"Thank you, grampa. I love him." You grinned and ran to show Kate, who was extremely pale. 

I was ready to pull him out of the room until I saw him. He smiled and walked out of the room, wiping his cheek. Kate sent you over to me, a smart choice, and she went to talk to him. 

Later that night, Kate and I got back together. It turns out that Tony never thought he'd even have a kid and the thought of me knocking her up wouldn't be so bad if our own kid was anything like you. After that, you spent a lot of time with Tony. He loves you kid and thanks to you, he finally started to like me. 

Kate and I went off and on but as I write this, we're on. We're very much so on. 

"When am I going to have a brudder?" You ask, totally bombing the word. 

"You still want a sibling?" Kate asked. 

"No, I want a brudder." You scowled. 

"Well I don't know what that is." Kate teased. 

You groaned and turned to me. "I want Kate to have a baby boy. Make her one."

This is when I realized you might know about sex. I asked everyone around us if they told you and they said no. I don't know how you knew about it, but you told me exactly how babies are made. 

"Your privates rub against mommy's and then a baby pops out of her belly and screams a lot." You grinned proudly. 

Kate drank a bottle of wine that night. 

You gave up on the baby wanting when Kate bought you a dog. 

I never gave up on the baby thing, I'd like you to know this. I'll give up when I see an ultrasound. 

I'd like to imagine you're reading this now, laughing and wrinkling your nose in embarrassment. I'd like to imagine you're getting out of bed and walking down the hall to peek in on a little brother. I'd like to imagine maybe Kate and I are sleeping in the same bed and maybe she's pregnant again. 

If none of this happens, I at least hope I'm with her still. I also hope you know how to pronounce brother because man are you having a hard time with that one.

I love you. Kate loves you. Toro loves you. Grampa Tony loves you. Sorry about all the sex mentioned. 


End file.
